I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
