gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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