My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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