Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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