I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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