since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
