I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
