If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
