Can Purell be used as lube?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
