Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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