I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
