I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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