i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
