I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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