My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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