my phone needs a breathalizer
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
