Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
