You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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