Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
