dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
