i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
