I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize