mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
