At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
they need to just BURY HIM!
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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