My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
