so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
