kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
