I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
