Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
