we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
