goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I want to make a zoo with you.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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