You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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