i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
