I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
