Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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