I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
We smell like vodka and hangover
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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