textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
