I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
There r osticjed everywhere
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
