I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
