Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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