when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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