I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
