No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
