Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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