I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
