I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize