the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
