The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
