maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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