watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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