The maid of honor just puked.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
