I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
