Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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