Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
How naked do you want me to be?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
