I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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