I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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