If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
