he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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