i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize