omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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