I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
