she smelled like a LAN party
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
