Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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