Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
