I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Bring me that man meat
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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