Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
