Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
