i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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